This Will Be My Undoing

I had a major breakdown one night last week. I ended up in raging tears after I discovered another roach in the car. I had been at paddling practice, it was dark outside and I couldn't squish the roach. I had to drive to the grocery store and then home all the while convinced it was crawling up my leg or had landed on my toe. I was completely on edge and blinked back tears as I shopped for vegetables and cereal. I raced home, threw the groceries on the floor and told Bryan to put them away. Then I took a long shower, cried hysterically and went to bed.

I woke up the next morning and thought a lot about my breakdown. I looked at it from every angle and concluded that the roaches were just a symbol of all the things that have been frustrating me lately. Of all the ways that life isn't perfect. It's poetic right? To think of my wonderful life in Hawaii with wonderful Bryan but know it's not perfect. Nothing is perfect. Everyone gets roaches. So okay, I pull myself together. Bryan sprays the car again. And I move on with my life.

But let me tell you. The roaches aren't just a symbol. They are the worst mental challenge I have faced in a long time. I know you'll laugh now and you'll giggle that these small bugs cause me to over-react so dramatically. But it's NOT FUNNY. And you'll think "Jenni, you knew there were roaches in Hawaii. You chose to move there." True, maybe. But I did not know they would torment me this much. They are breaking me down day by day.

This weekend we got the sticky traps that my aunt and co-worker suggested. We assembled them and placed them in the car and around the house. I felt empowered and looked forward to the day of no roaches.

This morning we got in the car only to discover two live ones flying about! I lost it. I flew out of the car, started shrieking and thought I might throw up and cry. Then I left Bryan alone with them and the car and I walked to the bus stop. I blinked back tears as I planned to buy a new car.

Here's the thing. I am a very rational person. Sure, I get upset about things and don't like creatures in my space. But I have NEVER had a reaction like this. This is irrational behavior and I can't control it. These nasty little bugs are breaking me down. I can't walk into the bathroom without looking in every corner. I watch TV from the couch with my eye on the floor in the kitchen. I have nightmares about roaches crawling out of my shorts and laying eggs in my sheets. I'm not kidding guys. They are going to be my complete undoing.